Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Yuma Fellow

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The Puma had no sense of huma!

Warm Water Cure

An elderly gentleman was having some physical problems, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told the old gent that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse.

Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about fifteen minutes."

Direct Line

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Overworked

When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

Sports Quote

No one ever says: "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Psych Quiz

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Medicine vs. Sports

Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches.

Doctors can bury their mistakes: Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.

Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot: Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.

Math Argument

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one-third X cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician stated. Incidentally, do you know what the integral of X squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one-third X cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "Plus A constant."

Pet Shop and the Butcher

One afternoon, a butcher went into a pet shop. The butcher had visited that same pet shop every day for a week straight. It seems that he had fallen in love with one of the seagulls in the shop.

Alas, he had no money to spend, but the pet shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of the delicious German sausage from the butcher's store.

And so, the deal was made. It seems that he took a tern for the wurst.

Brick Economy

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken.

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

Inventive Excuses for Missing Work

1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.

3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

5. My stigmata is acting up.

6. I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Credit Card Bill

In January 2000, a man received a bill for his, as yet unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In February, he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

He called them and was told that it was a computer error, and that they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store when he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again, and was told that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game by mailing them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Lost Buttons

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.

Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel.

So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

Office Terminology for the New Millennium

ADMINISHPERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.

CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Table of Excuses

To save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. The list below covers most situations.

1. That's the way we've always done it.

2. I didn't know you were in a hurry for it

3. That's not in my department.

4. No one told me to go ahead.

5. I'm waiting for an OK.

6. How did I know this was different?

7. That is his job, not mine.

8. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.

9. I forgot.

10. I didn't think it was very important.

11. I'm so busy, that I just can't get around to it.

12. I thought I told you!a

Casual Fridays

Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "Home Casual" versus "Business Casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

New Millennium Office Terminology

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Talk Like a Frog

A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa replied, "What? I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "Come on, Grandpa. Talk like a frog, please." Grandpa again said, "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later, the little boy's sister came in and said, "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?" Grandpa, of course, replied, "NO!"

The little girl then begged, "Please, Grandpa will you talk just like a frog?"

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and asked, "What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her Grandpa and said, "Well, last night daddy told us that when you croak, we're going to go to Disney World."

Roar

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"

Sunbather

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down her bikini top fell off. But, she didn't care because no one would see her anyway.

After a while she heard footsteps; it was the hotel manager. She hurried and covered herself up.

The hotel manager said, "We don't mind if you sunbathe up here, but we really would appreciate it if you would keep your bikini top on!"

She answered, "No one will see me anyway."

The hotel manager replied, "I hate to break this to you. But, you've been lying on the dining room skylights."

Funny Numbers

It was his first time at this convention, on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, "36," and everyone just burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, "84," and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite sometime.

Finally, he asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, "We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized, and to save time we just yell out the number."

That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work the guy yelled out, "29," and everyone just looked at him strangely. So, he just went back to work.

Someone else yelled out the number, "67," and everyone just laughed hysterically. So, he yelled out, "95," and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.

Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, "Why didn't anybody laugh when I yelled out a number?"

The co-worker replied, "Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke, and some people just can't."

Juror's Excuse

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?" Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long." Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?" Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."

Overweight

Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am. Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.

Exercise Pointers

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again...
- It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at 50,000 per month.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 40,000 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.

Investment Terminology for the New Millennium

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $37.50 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.95.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke." BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha. Ha. Ha. Well, I'm a little short this month.")
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Direct Line

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Retired Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The next week, the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark ... $1Knowing where to put it ... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Swallowed Money

Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:

"Do you see any change in me?"

Kayak

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Fathers

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Airline Operating Systems

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows Vista Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

A Plausible Explanation?

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Forgot

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Newly Discovered Element

Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.

Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium's sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "critical morass." You will recognize it when it occurs.

Sardarji and Watch

There was a Sardaji who was having a party at the terrace of his building.

While looking down from the building his watch slipped and started falling down. He started running down the staircase.

On the way he saw some guests coming up. They asked him, 'Why are you running so fast?'

Sardarji says, 'My watch fell from the terrace!'

Guest says 'So why are you running? It must have broken by now!'

Sardarji replies 'no, it is 2 minutes late'

Cheerful Sardarjee

A cheerful sardarji truck driver pulled up at a roadside dhaba in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking young men on motorcycles roared up - rich looking kids driving up from nearby Delhi.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his tandoori chicken, the third deliberately tipped his tea over.

The sardarji never said one word, just stood up, paid his bill, and left.

'Saala, that sardarji wasn't much of a fighter,' sneered one of the young goons to the owner of the dhaba. The dhaba owner, peering out into the night, added, 'He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.'

Bihari and Sardarji's

A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes!

After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'. He starts the jokes with, 'There was once a Bihari...'

And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, 'Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?'

India

So there was these three guys on a train, national train. One was russian, one was chinese, and one was a desi.

The Russian guy sticks out his hand and says 'This is russia 'cuz its very cold!'

The Chinese guy sticks out his hand and says 'This mai friend is china, its got mild weather!'

Then the desi guy, very determined, sticks out his hand and says 'Oye this is my India!'

On asked how he knew he replied, 'Cuz my watch got stolen!'

Gonna be good day

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

Man And Woman

1. A man will

pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Final Requests

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Capsized Sailboat

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

Upholstered

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

Blind Animals

Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.

"What do I feel like," the first animal asked. "You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose." The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."

"Now it's my turn," said the second animal. The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You're cold, and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth."

"Darn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."

New Teeth

Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures?

His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him... so he wound up with buck teeth.

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Do You Serve...?

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Sad News

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Old Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

Strongest Man

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Cowboy Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month . .

Magic of the Internet

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

Tree Problem

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.

The little church in the suburbs

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I'll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn't you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown. “However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.’”

Jewish Beggar

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?"

And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"

And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

Satellite Dish

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.

Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

Medical Experiments

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.

Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:

1. Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.

2. The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.

3. Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.

4. Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.

5. There are some things even a rat won't do.

The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.

Retired Preacher

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."